Going Old School

I'm gonna go ahead and steal a blogging idea from my friend Becky. Lent isn't a super popular idea in our culture, or in most of the circles I run in, but I think it's helpful to focus on spiritual things in the season just before Easter.

Incidentally, I have a good reason for stealing. It's because Vista sucks.

I suppose you want an explanation? I'll try, even though I'm a little grumpy.

I went snuffling around in my photo files today, looking for my pictures from my latest trip to Taiwan. I went the last week in January, so I'm way overdue to blog it, but I figured I could do one giant post and maybe y'all (all 2 of you still reading -- pretty sure that's my dad and my sister) would forgive me.

So I head off to my monster D: drive, and I look in the "Taiwan" folder, inside the "Photos" folder, which is clearly where the Taiwan photos go, since I'm an organized sorta gal, and I find... all the photos from the other trips to Taiwan, but not this one.

You might not think that's odd, but I do. I only started using my monster D: drive recently. Previously, everything went on the much-smaller C: drive. Then it filled up, and I started putting stuff on the D: drive.

Then C: REALLY filled up, and I had to move some stuff from C: to D:... and apparently, that's what made me take the name of a large Washington software company in vain. Loudly. When I moved my "Personal" folder, which included a folder called "Taiwan," chock full of photos from previous trips, it moved to D: just fine.

And then it also overwrote my other Taiwan folder with the same, older photos.

Now, I don't need two copies of the same photos. I want the copies of the newer photos, including the company Chinese New Year party and the pictures we took of us with my boss, who left the company (that was his last day).

Therefore, today's post won't feature a bunch of fun Taiwan pictures. Instead, I'll piggyback Becky's latest post and talk about what I'd like to do for Lent.

Becky is going to do a two-week -- or maybe even a 40-day -- water fast, meaning that she will drink nothing other than tap water. In at least one of the challenges she cites, you can donate the savings from the coffee, sodas, etc. that you don't drink to provide clean water to those who don't have it. It's a great idea, and I'd encourage anyone interested to do so.

However, I'm currently halfway through the second cycle of a 12-day diet plan that's fairly restrictive in terms of what I can eat and drink. (I've lost 7 lb in the first half of the second cycle; thanks for asking!) For that reason, I think I'll take one of Becky's other Lenten suggestions and do some Scripture memorization.

Memorizing one verse a week seems sort of lame, so I am going to try for her larger challenge and attempt to memorize an entire chapter, something I've always wanted to do anyway.

Becky's favorite chapter is Isaiah 6, which admittedly is pretty awesome. Since I just read her blog post a few minutes ago, I haven't decided what to read. Any suggestions? I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter!

Loving God: Good, Better, Best?

My small group recently finished a study called Morph, produced by my church. There are four modules, and we did the first one, called Love God. (If you click on the Morph link, you can create and account, view the content, and even print it for yourself.) I'm also reading Francis Chan's Crazy Love, which is life-changing if you're willing to allow it to be. And I'm trying.

After a pretty intense 8-week study, I had a sort of idea of how I was supposed to love God. And there are some people in my church who seem to do it pretty well. One friend, Karin, is one of those people who is LOUD in her love for God. She dances, she "AMEN"s in church, she writes of her passionate love for God on her blog.

Last night I was reading a chapter in Chan's book about people whose love for God outshines anything else in their lives. These are some crazy life stories. I asked God last night: why don't I love you like that, with that passion, that intensity, that fire? Help me love you more completely, God! Bring it on!

I got kind of a weird answer. Seems I'm not my friend Karin, and I'm not those other people either. I'm not wired like them; I'm wired just like me. My love may show in different ways. I'm not sure how that works yet, but I'm working on it.

While I was praying last night, and doing my best to listen to God instead of doing the babblebabblebabble that I'm usually guilty of, I heard Him... I heard Him tell me what I told you above. And then I heard a slightly different "voice," similar but different, that I knew wasn't God the Father. Somehow I realized instantly that this was the voice of Jesus. He told me that living with His love unleashed in my life doesn't tie me down; it unfetters me. It FREES me. I had this mental picture of shackles -- cuffs -- falling off my wrists and ankles. Then I remembered a well-known verse: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil. 4:13)

The next morning, when I woke up, I read the next chapter of Chan's book. In it he says that "our talk doesn't match our lives. We say things like, 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,' and 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart.'" Um, W O W. Someone trying to get my attention?

There is power in these statements, in these promises, and we leave it lying there. We don't trust in God. We don't know that we can do all things, so we don't go into areas that require any more than our own puny strength.

I have one life. One. One life on this earth, and it's short. I don't want to settle. I don't want to forget the power that I've been freely given, the power that Jesus died and rose again to bestow on me.

God, please don't let me forget again.

What I Love: Today and Always

After a too-long blogging hiatus -- come on, we're all busy, but really? there's nothing to say? And yet I can carry on a conversation with a friend for two hours -- what do I come back with?

Well, with love, of course.

What do you love most? What do you love best about today? And what do you love best about your life in general?

I was thinking about this last night, but yesterday was just too busy a day to write a thoughtful post like that starting at 11pm, so any readers I have left (hi, Daddy!) had to wait one more day.

I'm sure you felt my absence for that one more day.

Without further rambling, here's what I love best about today:

• It's raining. We've had a lot of rain lately, but as hot and dry as the summer was, I'm gonna love the rain for a long time.
• I got to go to lunch with a co-worker and two customers, all of whom I consider friends. Some days my job is pretty amazing.
• Tonight I get to meet with my small group, which is a great bunch of people that I get to love on and learn about God with. Some of them are folks I haven't known very long, but I really enjoy them.
• Before small group, I'll be cleaning up my house. I love it when my house is clean. (I don't so much love the process, but the product is fantastic!)
• Small group ends early enough that I'll have a little "me" time. What will I do? Will I make some beads on the torch? Read? Catch up with some Mythbusters on the DVR with my teenager? Do some beading? I don't know, but having an hour or two that I can do whatever I want makes me very happy.

And here's what I love best about my life:

• My family. I have a husband who truly couldn't love me any more. I have two sons who couldn't be more different than each other -- and who are both amazing in their own unique ways. My dad calls himself a curmudgeon, which is true, but there's no curmudgeon I'd rather spend time with: he's as fun and funny and charming as he ever was. My sister, as different from me as my sons are from each other, is one of my best friends, and her hubby and kids are fantastic. My in-laws are wonderful. Even my crazy extended family, all 173,897 of them -- they're a lot of fun. That's a lot of stuff for my first bullet point, enough for a whole post!
• Some of the silly material things that I enjoy: my house, my car, my cell phone (my first smart phone, and oh my gosh, how did I ever live without one?). Sure, I could do without any of them, and I have. But I'm thankful for them, just the same.
• My health. In the last few days I've heard a lot of stuff about people that aren't healthy. A friend's mom is being treated for cancer. Austin's iconic homeless cross-dresser Leslie is hospitalized with a head injury. A four-year-old girl in Uganda needs treatment for a seizure disorder. I mean, sure, I have migraines and rosacea, but in the big picture? No big deal.
• My friends. I have some really amazing friends. I've had seasons of life without close friends, so I try not to take them for granted.
• And, of course, I love God, who I consider to be the source of everything listed above, plus the other dozens of things I didn't list. I don't love Him as well as I should, but I'm trying to do better.

What about you? What are you thankful for? What are you loving about your life, today and in general?

Should The Church Play It Safe?

I'm glad I go to a church that doesn't, but I'm speaking here of The Church in a Biblical sense as Christ did, as His bride.

My church has been doing a series on sex, the rationale being that everyone else is talking about it; why shouldn't we? Topics were GodSex, MarriedSex, SingleSex, UnfaithfulSex, and SameSex.

That's right, we actually talked about homosexuality in church.

My church has a large homosexual population. We're a seeker church, modeled after Willow Creek (both original pastors came from there), and a lot of people who have been burned by church or who never set foot in church feel very comfortable there. The flip side is that we end up with a lot of messiness. [Tongue in cheek] I'm sure Jesus never had that problem Himself. [/Tongue in cheek]

For years, this has been the elephant in the room. It's a topic that's easy to mess up. You can alienate the gay population, or you can alienate people who see themselves as believing in Biblical truth. I would not have wanted to be in the shoes of my pastor yesterday. He restricted himself to a 15 minute talk, then interviewed three people from our congregation who struggle with same sex attration (two women and a man). Unfortunately, I can't embed the video, but you can click here to see it.

One of the staff members sent out an email asking people to wear a white t-shirt if they would commit to pray for these folks as they courageously agreed to be interviewed. She said she would be on the front row praying through all three services. I joined her on the front row for the last service. Hearing what these folks went through brought tears to my eyes. There was a lot of emotion in the room, even for the normally emotionless last service.

How does your church handle tough topics? Do you talk about them head on or shy away from them?

Praying for Candi

I have nothing more important to say today than to ask you to click here and pray for Candi. The link will tell you her story in her words.

Candi is a friend of my sister's and has been for many years (since high school? junior high? a long time, anyway). She is facing a very serious surgery next Friday to drain and/or remove a softball-sized cyst from her brain.

Yes, you read that right.

Please pray for Candi's doctor, for her surgery, for her recovery, and for her family. I'm sure she will be nervous during the next week, and I know she wants your prayers and good thoughts.

If you'd like to leave a comment here for her, I'll send them to my sister and make sure she gets them.

Thanks, y'all.

Today, History

For the most part today, I've been encouraged by the attitudes of the bloggers I follow on twitter. Many were vocal McCain supporters, and yet they twittered today of their hope for President-Elect Obama, for their prayers for unity for this country, and of their intention to move forward and mend relationships where they can.

There's a reason I admire these folks.

One well thought out post in particular I'd like you to read is from Brad Ruggles. He is a graphic designer extraordinaire, and I'm blessed to have a t-shirt designed by him and produced through Carlos Whittaker's blog that I love. Brad's post is what I would say if I were that eloquent, which I'm not.

So what are you waiting for? Go read it. That's probably the first and last time I'll talk about politics here, and that's really only because I think it has affected us spiritually. God, please heal our nation and bring us together!

An Open Letter: The Beginning of Forgiveness

In reading Mark Batterson's Wild Goose Chase, part of one chapter talks about the power of forgiveness.

I'm not a grudge carrier normally; I've seen the damage it does. But in reading this chapter, I happened to think of someone I haven't forgiven, or haven't forgiven fully. I'd like to write him an open letter (first name only).

Dear John,

It's been years since I thought of you, or what happened. I remember meeting you. You were so far above me on the social ladder at college. I was so excited when you asked me out! Flying a kite in the park at night? How romantic!

I remember my confusion: why would we need wine coolers to fly a kite? And why would you pick a park with no streetlights at all? I had no idea where we were, but it didn't look like a friendly part of town.

Taking your obvious physical size advantage and coupling it with alcohol and the slightly scary, very dark location was not ok. Nor was what happened after that. (It's not as bad as you're probably imagining, but it was bad enough to scar me emotionally.)

For years, I fantasized about calling your sweet little wife and letting her know what kind of man she married. I knew just what kind of girl you'd pick for your wife: petite, probably blond, certainly conservative and Christian. After all, you were a good Christian boy, just as you told me.

In the last several years, I'd like to think I've grown up a little. Now I pray that you've changed, that you never behaved that way with anyone else, that this dirty little secret belongs only to the two of us.

In any case, I'm doing my best to forgive you. I hope that you're happy and healthy now, just as I am. I hope that you're actively seeking God, just as I am.

And I pray that dirty little secrets, shown in the light, lose their power.

"The Good" of "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"

Today you get the good stuff, especially if you weren't there -- I'll share all the notes I took from Beth Moore's talk in San Antonio.

There are lots of other places to get this in the blogosphere, of course, especially since there were 10,000 women there. There's actually a list of people who have posted about the conference. Happy surfing!

Beth talked about the concept of INHERITANCE throughout the weekend. The anchor scripture she used was Psalm 16:5-6 from the ESV:

5 The Lord is my chosen portion and my cups; you hold my lot.
6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

The term for inheritance or possession or heir is mentioned over 310 times in the NIV. It is not a concept; it is a principle. God gives us something; he doesn't just get us out of trouble.
Examples found in Gal 3:8; Gen 22:17-18 (the first mention in the NIV); Ex 32:13; and Num 13:16, in which Moses renamed Joshua.

Concept repeated throughout was: I AM AN HEIRESS OF GOD. We need to know who we are so that we don't give ourselves away so cheaply! Jesus knew who He was -- He came from the Father and was going back to the Father -- so He could wash the feet of His followers.

God's inheritance is distinct but completely the same throughout the Bible.

There are three elements of God's inheritance:

1. Presence: Gen 26:23; Josh 1:9. Usually someone has died.
2. People: Gen 12:3; Gen 22:17-18; Deut 4:20; Ps 16:3; Rev 7:9. God's way is relationship.
3. Property: Num 26:52-56; Matt 25:34. We will have a place.
   1 Chr 28:8, 20

And now for her main points. Hang on -- there's some crazy stuff in here!

• I am an heir of God. My life is not left to chance. God watches over every part of our lives, even seemingly insignificant things: chance encounters, tiny details. You are important enough to God that He looks after every detail.
• I am an heir of God. I am inheriting a kingdom. Matt 25:34; Col 1:11-14; Dan 7:18
• I am an heir of God. He is my portion... Ps 16; Deut 10:8-9; Lam 3:24; Ps 73:25-26 (and here's the mindblower) ... and I am His. Deut 4:20, 32:9; Eph 1:18 I think she blew us all away with that one. We are God's portion? Seriously? But look it up -- it's in there (read carefully). WOW. And that's how we ended Friday night.
• I am an heir of God. The down payment has been made. Eph 1:18, 1:11-14; Rev 22:4. In Eph 1:14, "deposit" is a portion of the purchase price paid in advance, forfeited if the purchase does not go through. This is also where Beth talked about the discus thrower I talked about a couple of posts ago.
• I am an heir of God. My boundary lines form a pleasing place. 2 Sam 23:1. The diagram she drew is below. Here is what she had to say:
  Your boundaries will never go higher than your intimacy with God. Never allow ministry to take away that intimacy! Your past and your life experiences, as much as you may not like them, are yours, and they make you unique. Use them. (Didn't note what she said about Gifting -- sorry!) 1 Cor 12:7 -- what God has called you to do is beyond your natural ability. It will require God! Eph 4:27 -- Do not give place to the devil. Anyplace God is not on your boundary lines is occupied by the devil. Nature abhors a vacuum.

• I am an heir of God. The will has been activated. Heb 9:15-17; Gal 4:4-7
• I am an heir of God. I can be secure. There are two problem areas here: affirmation and affection. It's easy to make someone a false Christ who affirms you in an unhealthy way. When we train ourselves to crave affirmation, or exhaust ourselves in service (and broadcast it), that's not what God intended. Affection is also a problem -- fairly self-explanatory how unhealthy affection can be, and I didn't take notes on it. Col 3:23-24 Never pray for an easier life; pray for power to live your life!
• I am an heir of God. I have a beautiful inheritance. Is 61:1-3, 7: Joy is the experience of receiving the inheritance. The double portion mentioned in v. 7 belongs only to the first born son. In the case of us and God, Jesus is the rightful heir of the double portion, but in v. 7, God makes it clear that we will inherit the double portion -- Christ shares it with us! 2 Tim 4:6-8; Heb 11:16, 39-40; Eph 3:6
  

After Beth finished speaking, the praise team came back out. I headed toward the floor to catch the Mamas (Boo and Big, a.k.a. Sophie and Melanie) to get the pic you've already seen. But first I got this picture, which sums up worship time pretty well.

The conference ended with an a cappella version of "Shout to the Lord." At the end of the song, the praise team and Beth quietly walked off stage. Very nice.

Because I don't know where else to put these pictures, and because there is no good way to do that transition, I will now share with you the other people I met.

In the picture below is Vicki Courtney, Melanie (Big Mama), Cindy (StillHisGirl), and me. This was taken by Cindy's friend Gayle on Friday night. Unfortunately, I didn't catch up with Cindy again on Saturday. I've read her blog for a long time and exchanged email with her on several occasions. Cindy is even more beautiful in real life than in pictures, and oh, that hair color! What I wouldn't give...

I caught up with Amy Beth on both Friday and Saturday, and she's just as cute in real life as she is on her blog. I haven't been reading her blog as long as Cindy and the Mamas, but she's just the sweetest thing, y'all. I just had to get a picture. (Thanks to my friend Anne [no blog] for being my photographer!)

I really do feel like an amateur in the blogger world, and it was nice to meet some of the women I look up to and respect so much. That, plus Beth's "drink from a firehose" teaching, made for a very full weekend. Very full, and really awesome.

So what do you think? If you went, did I miss anything in my notes? If you didn't go, did you learn anything from my notes?

San Antonio Stuff... Part 1

I feel like writing one of those essays, like you'd write in the fall, "What I Did This Summer," only mine would be "What I Learned From Beth Moore in San Antonio This Weekend." I have purposefully kept away from the blogs of others that I know were there because I want to say what I want to say and not be influenced by the thoughts and words of others. I certainly want to know what everyone else thought, but I had to process my own head first, before I could write about it. And I am DYING to know what some of these other people had to say.

Let me start by saying that, unlike a lot of the women there, I wouldn't characterize myself as a huge Beth Moore fan. I've never done one of her studies, and I've read one of her books. I enjoyed it, but I really didn't know what to expect in San Antonio.

Let's just say that Beth goes to 11. If you haven't seen "This is Spinal Tap," and therefore don't get my reference, then go watch it. Or just watch the clip.

The conference was Friday evening from 7 - 9:30, and Saturday morning from 8:30 - noon. I can detail Beth's notes in a later post, but for today I'll talk about what I personally got out of it. Or the biggest chunk of it, anyway.

On Saturday morning, I had forgotten my notebook in the car and walked back out to get it during the worship time. Now, before anyone chastises me for missing Travis -- and I thought Travis was awesome -- I didn't know a single song until the very last one, so worship wasn't that great for me. I didn't figure I was going to be missing much by walking out to the car. As it turns out, it made the weekend for me.

As I walked out, I was praying for the event, for Beth, for the women, for the atmosphere, that God's Spirit would move in the hearts of everyone there. Then my mind wandered a little as I thought about the 10,000 women -- TEN THOUSAND -- that were there. I thought about Beth and her life in the spotlight. I thought about two of the wonderful bloggers that I had met the night before, BooMama and Big Mama. These two ladies had reserved seats on the front row of the floor seating, smack dab in front of the stage, since they blog for LifeWay and this was a LifeWay event. I thought about how they get 200 comments on a blog post and I get maybe 4. And I turned a little green.

Now understand, these are two ladies that I have looked up to for a long time. I love them, I respect them as people and absolutely as bloggers. I have wanted to meet them for a long time. I really don't get starstruck anymore since someone I consider to be a truly stunning musician came to be music director at my church, but in my secret heart of hearts these two are my pretend BFFs. I admit that I envy their blogging success, as much as I've cheered for them as it has happened for them. I admitted it to myself and to God on Saturday morning, and I'll admit it here.

And then on Saturday morning, I straightened my shoulders, and I told God, "I don't want Melanie's call for my life. I don't want Sophie's. God forbid, I don't want Beth Moore's. I want MINE. God, I want Your plan for ME, not for them." I prayed this all the way back in from the car, clutching my notebook.

What do you suppose Beth had to talk about that morning? She told the story of Stephanie Brown-Trafton, the Olympic gold medal winner in discus (and first U.S. women's discus medal winner since 1932). Stephanie grew up idolizing Mary Lou Retton, wearing a Retton leotard in her childhood. That didn't last long, since Stephanie grew to 6' in junior high school. She had to find her own way to be a world-class athlete, and clearly she has, with a stop in basketball along the way. The point of her story was to stop trying to be someone else. And it was the first story she told after God and I had our little talk.

Coincidence? Don't believe in it.

I did stop long enough after the event on Saturday to take a picture with the two Mamas before we all ran off in separate directions. From L-R, it's Boomama, me, and Big Mama (or Sophie, Lisa, and Melanie). Yes, I'm short.

I'm not there yet, but I'm working on accepting being just li'l ol' me, and not BIG SUCCESSFUL BLOGGER. God put me where I am for a reason. I'm certainly blessed to have been in San Antonio this weekend, and it was great to have met these two lovely ladies (and others -- more pics later).

God is good.

I Didn't Get to Go to Leadership Summit...

But I'm living vicariously through the twitters. Thanks, Les!

https://twitter.com/lesbrown

If you read this much after August 8, you'll have to go back quite a ways to see the content I'm talking about... Les is pretty much broadcasting his notes from the conference. Amazing stuff.

Again, I just love the internet.

Sad and Scary Revisited

I know y'all (well, all two of you) can't want more of this, but this is my world right now.

My friend Kate had to go back in for an "adjustment" to her pacemaker. It seems the probes weren't quite in the right place, so they had to go back in and fix them up. She said she still feels pretty strange, but the doc thinks that may be due to part of her heart being worked out that's simply not used to it. My prayers for her heart and her health (and NO MORE SURGERIES if possible) are ongoing.

I can finally blog about the thing that happened, since Son the Younger is finally home from Germany (after a 24 hour delay).

Last Saturday night, hubby, Son the Older and I went out to dinner. When we got back home, it was time for us to play some scheduled World of Warcraft. Hubby plays upstairs and noticed that Jake, our dog, was lying upstairs. This was very unusual for him -- his hangouts are all downstairs. After a few minutes, hubby noticed that Jake hadn't moved, so he called his name. Jake tried to sit up but could only move his front legs. His breathing was very fast and shallow. So we called the emergency vet clinic to alert them that we were on our way and took off. Hubby and Son had to carry the 100-lb dog down the stairs, which didn't look at all comfortable for any of them.

Once the vet saw him, she diagnosed a ruptured tumor, either on his liver or spleen, with abdominal bleeding. She gave us two options: operate to stop the bleeding and remove as much of the tumor as possible, with a very high monetary cost and a life expectancy of probably 2-3 months IF the surgery went well -- and there was always the possibility that he wouldn't survive surgery, given his age (10.5) and how sick he was when he got there. The other option was the one no dog owner ever wants to consider.

As painful a decision as it was, we decided to let him go. Given that Son the Younger was in Germany, it was even more difficult. They gave us a private room where we were allowed to say our goodbyes, and then the vet came in, and Jake went peacefully to sleep. Cooing sweetly to my dog as he died so that he would have that small comfort (and not breaking down until he was gone) was truly one of the hardest things I've ever done. Watching Son the Older experience the same thing was just as hard. (Hubby, knowing his limitations, wisely elected not to be in the room.)

Jake has always been one of the sweetest dogs I've ever known. He's never known a stranger. In fact, if you'd just continue to pet him indefinitely, you could be his best friend forever -- he simply never tired of your love and affection. He was unfailingly gentle with children, no matter how they tugged or patted him. He greeted me every day when I came down the stairs, letting me know that I was the queen of his world. He was my dog, and I have missed him every day. I imagine that will continue for a long time to come.

In the latest twist of Sad 'n' Scary, I found out on Sunday that an acquaintance from church, Michael Argall, was killed in a bicycling accident on Saturday. I didn't know Michael well, but he had served with me on a production team several years ago as a camera operator. I know he had a really busy life -- he served in other areas; he was a divorced dad with three children; and he was very involved in fitness in his spare time -- but he always showed up to serve with a smile, served joyfully, and left with a smile. He ultimately found that he wanted to concentrate his time in other ministry areas, so I didn't serve with him for very long, but I enjoyed the brief time I served with him and have always thought fondly of him. I guess God wanted him back early. I know that pains his long-time girlfriend, his children, and so many people who love him (check out all the links I found talking about him).

What can we learn from Michael? Live life to the fullest. Live with joy every day. Know that you are not guaranteed tomorrow, and live that way.

Michael would probably be surprised at how many people are shocked, taken aback, in mourning over his death. I'm not; he was really a great guy. But like Michael, if you live you live to the full, you might be surprised at how many people you end up touching along the way.

Hey, Michael? If you can hear me, pet Jake for me, OK? Y'all go for a run -- you'll both love that. Give him a treat for me until I get there.

Timing...

Sometimes God's timing makes me laugh. Or cry. Sometimes both in the same day. It's been one of those weeks this week.

You'll love this because I'm not really going to go into specifics, but my past has reared its ugly head multiple times this week and caused me to deal with it in a way I've refused to for years. Which, while it's a "Yay God!" moment, is exhausting. And having what's essentially an emotional brick to the face three times in one day is a little much. Not that I get to choose.

Interestingly, I'm on the planning committee for my church's women's retreat, and I'm not the only one going through some sort of stuff this week. With the retreat two weeks out it's not so surprising -- this sort of thing happens yearly to retreat staff -- but it's still frustrating.

Coincidence? Don't believe in it. I just hope God uses it to restore a relationship that I'd love to have back in my life.

More Updates on Life, The Universe, and Everything

Here's the scoop on the good, the bad, and the ugly. You can decide for yourself which is which.

My sister's condition has a name -- it's Posterior Reversible Encephalopathy Syndrome, or PRES. Apparently the combination of a slightly premature birth, the not-quite-right epidural (resulting in spinal headache) and postpartum pre-eclampsia (that's high blood pressure to you and me) made her brain swell, giving her a monster headache. After googling PRES, I think she got off lucky -- no blurred vision, no seizures, and hopefully no permanent brain damage. Not that that will keep me from a little sisterly mocking from time to time, since I'm so glad to have her around.

She was discharged from the hospital today around noon, just in time for an appointment with a neurologist who is familiar with PRES. He told her that her headache likely has multiple causes, that they will monitor it over the next few weeks, and that she will recover. I cannot say what a relief all of that is. Plus, she gets to go home and settle in with her baby and husband and son, which is a huge relief to her too. Her mother-in-law has been an enormous help with David; they don't know what they would have done without "Meme." Three cheers for Meme!

~~~~~

I got a call back from HR Chick at Large Corporation today. She informed me that I'm not terrifically technical. You don't say! I'd love to know why employers keep telling me the first thing that I tell them -- or the first thing they should be able to read for themselves from my resume. Yes, I have an engineering degree, but I have done project management and data analysis for most of my career. Nowhere on my resume do I state that I have written code or anything similarly technical; I'll be the first to say that I'm a pseudo-geek, not the real deal. I thanked her for getting back to me quickly and reiterated that I'd be very interested in hearing about any project management or data analysis positions they have open.

And then I hung up the phone and I cried.

I know that it's business, not personal. I know that my identity doesn't come from a company; it comes from my Maker; He tells me who I am. I gotta tell you though, after a while, you just start to think that you're plain unlikeable. And that's the wall I hit today. Two weeks ago, I had interviews coming up with between two and four employers and had visions of multiple offers dancing in my head; today I'm still unemployed with no prospects in sight.

I'm reading another Donald Miller book, Blue Like Jazz. As I was getting ready to take Son the Younger to the doctor for a virus today, this passage leaped off the page at me and made me lose it again: "If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love."

Coincidence? I don't believe in it.

Welcome to the Ranks of the Unemployed...

One of my good friends has unfortunately joined me in Laid-Off Land.

She may be an victim of what I think is one of the worst double standard in the business world: men who are assertive are "go-getters" and women are a word I'd like to not write in my blog. My friend H got on the wrong side of a company exec who saw her as an assertive female who was in her way (or at least that's my take). Being the "go-getter" that he is, he took her out of his way before there was an intervening manager hired who could protect her.

I have a few choice words to describe him too, but again, I will choose not to use them here. Suffice it to say that I don't have a great deal of respect for his business methods or his integrity.

They will be hiring five -- FIVE! -- contractors to replace my industrious friend... and the only bad thing Mr. Go-Getter had to say about her was that she sometimes didn't get her projects in on time. Anyone see a discrepancy here? No? Me neither.

Fortunately, H and I both believe that there is Someone in charge, that whatever is awaiting her career-wise is better than the job that left her. I can't wait to see what that is for her, just as I can't wait to see what it is for me.

Last night's reading in Psalms had me thinking about all this, so I will post it here.
From Psalms 86:

11 Teach me your way, O LORD,

and I will walk in your truth;

give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.

12 I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;

I will glorify your name forever.

13 For great is your love toward me;

you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

14 The arrogant are attacking me, O God;

a band of ruthless men seeks my life—

men without regard for you.

15 But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,

slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

16 Turn to me and have mercy on me;

grant your strength to your servant

and save the son of your maidservant.

17 Give me a sign of your goodness,

that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,

for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

My Small Group is Awesome... well, they both are, really...

I have two small groups actually. I guess some churches call them Bible study groups. My sister's church calls them home teams. My church calls them small groups. I have two. One of them I've had for years and is comprised of three women (besides me) that I love with all my heart. We are all different, but we are all the same. We know each other, and we love each other.
My other small group has been meeting for a few months now and has the interesting title "Creative Not-So Small Group." It meets every other week and consists of all the artistic types in our church -- the video editors, the visual artists, the writers, the production volunteers, the photographers, etc. I used to lead a creative writing group, but that dwindled to nothing after a few months. There appears to be some debate as to whether to jump-start it... but I digress.

My small group. They met at my house last night, which is why there has been no blogging. There has only been cleaning. You see, I live with a husband, a 17 year old male, a 14 year old male, a male roommate, and a male dog. Although my husband is brilliant -- brilliant, I tell you! -- at laundry, dishes, and other general keeping-the-house-running type chores, dirt is generally invisible to him. The roommate and the teenagers are worse. And the dog, of course, just sheds mounds of black hair everywhere. So I spent two solid days reversing entropy, and one day nursing a horrific migraine. But I digress again. Going with my strengths.

My small group met here last night... there were munchies, there was social interaction, there was a fascinating lesson about finding God in the art of artists who don't consider themselves Christian. I don't know where Alex gets his lesson ideas, but I love them! This one was particularly great. One of the artists we talked about is on the web; I'd love to be able to post the link.

Theoretically the reason we met at my house was to show my torch to the group, so at the end of the night, an hour past our usual end time, we all trooped out to the garage, and I fired up the torch. I gave a little monologue as I made a single bead. I forget how interesting molten glass is since I work with it all the time; I almost laughed out loud at all the "oohs" and "aahs" when I wrapped the glass around itself using the flat graphite marver. I wish we'd had time to let some people have a try -- since they're all creative types, I'm sure a few people would have liked to -- but it was almost 10pm by then.

They were SO disappointed to hear that they'd have to wait a half hour to see the bead come off the mandrel (the metal rod where it's made in the fire). I actually didn't take it off until just now.

Here it is on the mandrel:



And off the mandrel, all on its little own:

My Own Personal Desert

This is at least partly in response to BigMama's post here:
http://bigmama1.com/2007/10/15/wandering-towards-my-own-canaan/
But make no mistake... this topic has come across my path so many times in the last few days that I know God wants me to blog about it. It's a bit of a story, so if you don't have time for it now, come back later. Otherwise, grab a snack and settle in. =)

As I've said earlier, this is my second layoff. My first was in February of 2002. Robert, my sweet hubby, had been laid off in July of 2001 -- right before 9/11 kicked the economy in the teeth -- so my layoff was enough to hit the big red financial panic button. My company did the usual charming thing where they suddenly gave me a nasty review (during which I made a couple of ungracious comments aimed at my lunk of a boss's boss, who I held responsible). When my boss -- a really nice Christian man -- had to do the dirty work and actually lay me off, I think he was more upset than I was.

Thus began a four-year odyssey of job hunting for the two of us -- and thank God we didn't have to spend forty years in our desert! We both worked contract jobs, temp stuff, anything we could find. I waited tables for a while toward the end. Robert dug ditches as part of his duties for a general contractor at our church.

But you want to know how faithful God is? We still have our house. We never had to sell a car (or anything else for that matter). We were never even late on a mortgage payment. There were several times we were nervous, but something always came through on the last possible day for us -- a temp job, a contract, some sort of manna from the sky. God also proved to us during this time that he is, as my pastor has said several times, the God of 11:59. He tested us over and over: how far do you trust Me? Will you wait to make sure I will provide for you? We did, and He did. Every time. It wasn't in our time, and it wasn't always what we had in mind, but we had a roof over our heads and food to eat. I had to remind myself of Matthew 6:28-34 a LOT:

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

There are several nifty little money stories during that time that I remember well. One Sunday we were away all day doing church stuff and came home to find $200 in cash in a manila envelope duct taped to our garage door. One Wednesday night, someone put an envelope in the offering with my name on it. A very puzzled usher handed it to me. There was $160 in cash in it. Christmas one year was looking pretty grim, and we'd told our two boys that they shouldn't expect much (they were old enough to understand). On December 23, we went to dinner with friends, one of whom was on staff at our church. They handed us $300 in cash that someone had given someone to give to our staff friend so that not even she knew where it came from. The point of all those, of course, is that the money literally was intended to have come from God.

Now that I've been laid off again, part of me is wondering why I've found myself back here again. Was there some lesson I failed to learn last time? Or is this one of those situations where some amazing thing will occur -- like I'll find another amazing job within a month or two and we'll get to keep the rest of the severance -- and God will be glorified? I don't know; I don't have those answers. God doesn't allow us to see around the next bend in the road, much as we'd like that. All I can see is the next step or two that I need to take, and I'll follow God that far and wait for Him to show me the next step or two past that.

I guess maybe that's what this season is for. Ya think?

The last time we were in this spot, we were looking every month at, "Do we need to put the house on the market?" And my honest take on it was that it's God's house -- He's just letting us live in it. See, I got through my BSEE (whining and crying and begging Robert to let me change my major weekly) by motivating myself by looking at houses. After looking for four years, I knew exactly what my dream house looked like. When I walked into it during my last couple of weeks of school, I knew within five minutes that this was "my" house. During those four years in the desert, I held this house with an open hand, saying, "God, this is Your house. If you want it back, say the word." He never did.

This time around, Robert has pointed out that the first thing to go will be my beloved dream car (on which we are still making payments): a 2005 350Z convertible. Y'all, I love that car. The way I ended up with it is another post, but the short version is that we went to buy a second Maxima -- it was time to give mine to my son to drive -- and we ended up with the Z. One day I was driving to visit my sister in Dallas and saw a Maxima on I-35, and I thought, "those are such pretty cars!" And about as clearly as I've ever heard God speak, He said to me, "Yes, but I wanted better for you." It made me cry then, and it makes me cry now -- and I'm not a crier.

But you know what? If God wants my Z back, he can have it. It's His. He blessed me with it in the first place, and He knows how much I've loved it and been thankful for it. He's my Father; He adores me and has my very best interests in mind. I'll leave that choice up to Him.

Life is too short, and God is too precious, to consider looking at it any other way.